Where Your Self-Worth & Self-Confidence Really Come From
It has nothing to do with your looks, job title, or relationship status.
Several years ago, I bought into the belief that when I reached a size four, began earning a six-figure income, and was in a committed relationship — then I’d feel more worthy and confident.
I worked really hard to achieve all three of these things. Shoot, I even restricted myself to eating just cold iceberg lettuce and boring-ass grilled chicken twice a day for 30 days straight so I could lose 10 pounds quickly. Talk about deprivation!
Did it feel good to accomplish my weight, financial, and relationship goal when I did? Yeah, absolutely! Did these good feelings last? Nope, not for very long.
Society programs into our minds every day that “you’re not good enough until …” The dot dot dot is — external accomplishments; a slim figure, a lot of money, and married with a family. These are some of the top things that society deems a person worthy, valuable, and successful.
It’s interesting though, I know a lot of people who have achieved these external things yet, still feel unworthy, insecure, and like a failure. As a matter of fact, I used to be one of them.
But, I got fed up with believing and following the masses of asses in our society, and instead, chose to veer off onto another path. A path that, to me, felt more aligned and sustainable.
I want to share three ways I learned how to build my self-worth and self-confidence over the years. And no, they have nothing to do with your looks, job title, or relationship status. There’s more depth to it than that.
“Confidence is not, “They will like me.” Confidence is “I’ll be fine if they don’t.” ~ Christine Grimmie
I researched
I had gotten to the point in my life where I felt I’d done everything humanly possible to be “enough” but still didn’t feel like I was. I burned out from over-achieving and from trying to win everyone’s love, acceptance, and approval of me.
That’s when I turned to google — not kidding. Real talk right now. Google became my best friend! Almost every night after work, I’d type in the search key questions of all the things I was struggling with in my life. I’d ask google questions like: “Why don’t I like myself?” “Why do I feel unhappy when I have a lot to be grateful for?” “Why am I always comparing myself to others?” “Why do I feel the need to prove myself every day?” and a plethora of more questions just like these. I wanted answers to my problems that no one else had been able to give me.
This hunt for seeking answers to my pressing problems led me to learn more about personal development and psychology. Google pointed me toward the direction of blogs, book recommendations, YouTube videos, and life coaching — I got hooked!
I was so hooked because I was learning about things that I’d never heard of before. I was learning about how the mind works, where our thoughts and beliefs come from, and how to reframe the way I perceived life — including myself. Diving into these invaluable tools and resources helped me learn more about why I felt the way I did and why I did the things I did.
Fast forward six years to today, I now know my true self-worth and value and don’t need anyone to approve of or validate me. Sure, I like receiving compliments and getting told “great job,” but my sense of self-worth is not dependent on this outside recognition. And that’s because I do a beautiful job of acknowledging and loving myself.
Dive into learning more about personal development and psychology if you want to understand yourself better.
I got outside of my comfort zone and started trying new things.
I don’t care who you are; it’s freaking hard getting uncomfortable and breaking old familiar negative patterns. But it’s these negative patterns that keep us feeling stuck, doubtful, and insecure as time goes on.
You build your self-confidence by developing new skills and abilities. And you build new skills and abilities by trying new things. Period.
If you’re not happy with where you are in life right now, you must start doing something different. This doesn’t mean you have to quit your job and start your own business tomorrow or go from being a couch potato to a seven day a week gym rat. No. Doing something different can mean taking one small step toward a goal of yours. If you don’t have any goals currently, your next small step would be to sit down and write out three to five small goals you want to accomplish over the next 90 days.
As you begin taking action toward one of your goals, you’ll notice your self-confidence starting to increase. And when your self-confidence starts to increase, you’ll begin to feel more capable, trusting of yourself, and in control of your life.
These feelings are priceless!
When I made the personal commitment of stretching and getting outside my comfort zone a little each day, that’s when the trajectory of my life shifted for the better. And this positive shift required that I feel worthy and confident about myself if I was to receive the gifts and blessings from all it had to offer.
If you’re ready for the trajectory of your life to shift for the better as well, you’ll need to feel worthy and confident about yourself too. When you don’t feel worthy and confident, you repel blessings from coming into your life.
I raised my standards and started setting boundaries.
You could say that I had high standards for myself based on what I shared in the introduction. However, my standards weren’t for me; they were what I thought others expected of me — big difference.
As for boundaries? I didn’t use to have any with the people in my life, and this ended up costing me greatly, especially emotionally. Boundaries are difficult to set because they can make others feel rejected or upset. But you’re not rejecting anyone, you’re protecting yourself and wellbeing, and that’s okay.
Most of us didn’t learn the importance of having healthy standards and boundaries growing up, so a lot of us need to learn about them now. We must learn how to take care of and honor ourselves first. The better we get at this, the more fulfilling our relationships will be, and most importantly, the one with ourselves.
When you live a life without boundaries, everything is harder. It doesn’t have to be this way. Consciously choose to make your mental and emotional wellbeing a priority, without apology.
In conclusion, your self-worth and self-confidence have nothing to do with your appearance, bank balance, or if you have a man or woman on your arm. All of these are superficial. It’s okay to want and have these things; they’re wonderful accomplishments, for sure. But it’s not okay to have your identity attached to them.
True self-worth and self-confidence come from knowing yourself, liking yourself, and believing in yourself without external conditions attached.
