6 Common Personality Traits Of A Narcissist and Gaslighter
Psychologists say chronic narcissists and gaslighters are likely to express six personality traits on a regular basis.
Do you find that you often second guess yourself, feel a bit crazy, or confused about who you are and your character after spending time with a specific person?
When you’re with this person, do you try your best to talk with them rationally about how you feel and how you would like to work on improving your relationship together?
Does this person end up getting super defensive, having an almost childlike temper-tantrum, or storm our right in the middle of trying to have a heart-to-heart discussion?
If the answer is yes, these could be clear signs that you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or gaslighter. And my heart goes out to you. You have my utmost compassion.
I’ve been in relationships with both a narcissist and gaslighter. These were some of the most confusing and scariest times of my life. Narcissists and gaslighters are masters in having you question your sense of self-worth and identity. They’re very unhealthy people to be around, and I’ll even go as far as to say dangerous people because they can cause severe emotional and psychological damage that could take years to recover from. It’s easy to get sucked into their mind games, especially if you’re highly empathic, have a deep desire for a romantic relationship, or are a big people-pleaser. All three of these were me.
Professor Preston Ni M.S.B.A explains in his 2017 article in PsychologyToday that, “Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose one’s own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth.” If you notice yourself feeling this way in a relationship with your partner, friend, or family member. I highly encourage you to start educating yourself more in topics such as psychology and behavioral science.
There are six common personality traits Professor Preston Ni says a narcissist and gaslighter express on a regular basis. Below, I’ll share an example for each personality trait that I have personally experienced in my own relationships. These examples should help you better determine for yourself if you’re, in fact, the problem and screw up in your relationship(s) or dealing with someone who might be narcissist or gaslighter.
The 6 Common Personality Traits of Narcissists and Gaslighters.
My experience with this personality trait has mostly come from a close family member. It’s probably been one of the most challenging relationships in my life that I’ve had to learn how to heal from. To be frank, I’m still a work in progress with this one because I love this person very much; they’re my family. It’s not just another shitty ex-boyfriend that I never have to speak to again.
My conversations and interactions with this person began to escalate and get verbally violent when I started speaking and standing up for myself by calling them out on their bullylike behavior and lies. They didn’t like this one bit; therefore, their character assassination and negative coercion began. This felt brutal and extremely painful.
Now, I have fierce boundaries with this individual. They’re family and I love them deeply, but I also love myself. I came to the conclusion that this person and I are much better apart than we are together. If they choose to get help and work on themselves, then, of course, I would love to try and have a healthy relationship with them, but not before then.
2. Rarely Admit Flaws and Are Highly Aggressive When Criticized
“When challenged, the narcissist is likely to either fight (e.g., temper tantrum, excuse-making, denial, blame, hypersensitivity, etc.) or take flight (bolt out the door, avoidance, silent treatment, sulking resentment, or other forms of passive-aggression)” explains Professor Preston Ni. This is exactly the behavior I’ve experienced with the same family member mentioned above. And it’s so easy to believe that you’re the problem and that you did something wrong when you witness this behavior in them.
Let’s be extra clear here though, so there’s no confusion. Constructive genuine criticism, the kind that’s coming from a good place because you sincerely want to help your partner, friend, or family member, is totally okay to give. I sometimes receive constructive criticism from my fiancé, brother, and dear friends. I welcome it, ask for it, and I am super grateful for it. Their support and feedback help me to better my life and perspective. I don’t blame, attack, or storm out when they’re communicating to me something that may be important for me to consider. I listen to what they have to say with an open-mind because I know they care and want the best for me.
If you’re giving constructive genuine criticism to someone and they freak the you know what out. And this has been a long-time pattern in your relationship with them, and it’s causing you to constantly feel like you have to walk on eggshells or watch every word you say. Then, you might be dealing with a narcissist or gaslighter in your life.
I idealized an ex of mine (before he became an ex, of course!) I thought this guy was the smartest, cleverest, and wisest could do absolutely no wrong perfect gentleman. I felt so cool and special when we were in public, like I, too, was the cream of the crop. I felt loved, adored, and like a queen when we attended dinners and seminars together. I myself even started to believe that I was better than some of the people we knew and were associated with (not a proud moment, just being honest about where my head had gotten to.)
After a few months of dating, I noticed how he would act one way when we were out in public together and then in a completely different manner when we were alone. He began to correct non-stop the little things I did and how I did them. For example, how I would cook, style my hair or type of my laptop for godsakes (Wtf, right?!), He’d rarely look at or compliment me anymore like he always used to do. It was just snarky rude comments almost on a regular basis after about three months of being together. He just became very cold and distant. However, when we were out with friends, he was Mr. Cool & Nice Guy.
Pay attention to this type of behavior if you’re experiencing it in your relationship. If it’s been persistent, your partner is not just having a bad day or week. It’s who they truly are, and you can’t make them go back to who you “thought” they were like at the beginning of your relationship. That was just a tactic to pull you in. Please don’t fall for it. Listen and pay attention to how you feel 90% of the time in your relationship; this will be the real indicator of your partner’s character and personality.
4. Rule Breaking and Boundary Violation
This rule breaking and boundary violating behavior was prevalent in my ex-boyfriend as well. And it was also something I chose to avoid paying any attention to.
I believe my ex felt entitled to making money no matter how unethical his actions or how significant the repercussions were to others involved. There was even a point in our relationship where he convinced me that paying his bills was more important than paying my own. Sounds crazy, I know. I did this for three months and really believed that I was doing the best thing for our relationship and future.
You might be saying out loud right about now, “How could I’ve not seen these red flags in my relationship?” Honestly, I was so insecure myself and just wanted someone to want and love me, which is why I didn’t question anything. These are the type of crazy things that can happen when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or gaslighter.
Can you relate?…
Has any of this ever happened to you before?…
No judgment if yes. I get it.
5. Emotional Invalidation and Coercion
Emotional abuse is severely damaging to the psyche. Like I said before, this could take years to recover from. “Although narcissists and gaslighters can be (but are not always) physically abusive, for the majority of their victims, emotional suffering is where the damage is most painfully felt” explains Professor Preson Ni.
Emotional abuse is the type of abuse I’ve experienced most in the relationship with my close family member that I mentioned earlier, and in my previous romantic relationship with my ex. There was never any physical abuse with these people, but there didn’t have to be for me to believe that I was unworthy and unlovable.
Here are a couple more behavioral examples by Professor Preston Ni shared in his 2017 PsychologyToday article to take note of when it comes to signs of emotional abuse:
“Both narcissists and gaslighters enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions in order to feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They habitually invalidate others’ thoughts, feelings, and priorities, showing little remorse for causing people in their lives pain. They often blame their victims for having caused their own victimization (“You wouldn’t get yelled at if you weren’t so stupid!”).”
“In addition, many narcissists and gaslighters have unpredictable mood swings and are prone to emotional drama — you never know what might displease them and set them off. They become upset at any signs of independence and self-affirmation (“Who do you think you are!?”). They turn agitated if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations.”
6. Manipulation: The Use or Control of Others as an Extension of Oneself
I feel this manipulation tactic is one of the easiest to fall for because it can be used very subtly. Again, those who are highly empathic, deeply desire a romantic relationship, or are big people-pleasers are at the most risk of being manipulated. This tactic is just as common in professional relationships as it is in personal relationships.
I fell victim to manipulation in my previous career due to my big people-pleasing tendencies back then. This hurt me quite a bit financially, but luckily I recovered.
“Both narcissists and gaslighters have a tendency to make decisions for others to suit their own agenda. Narcissists may use their romantic partner, child, family, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams, or cover-up weaknesses and shortcomings” explains Professor Preston Ni.
I hope that you have a more in-depth understanding of what it may feel like to be in a relationship with a narcissist or gaslighter by now.
Here’s the good news, if you’ve been through an experience similar to this or are going through something like it currently, help is available to you. But, you have to ask for it.
Love yourself enough to reach out to a therapist or life coach to get the help you need and deserve. You’re worth it.
That’s what I did six years ago for myself. Today, my life looks and feels completely different, in a very good way, and I am super grateful. My hope is that you will do the same for yourself.
